[P] some stuff I've worked on

I think of poems every now and then, perhaps they're not that great, but oh well..here are two

Memories...

Memories abound in dark of night,
Painful truthes amix pleasant days,
Move through the mind like wind in trees,
Whisking one away to life's own dreams.
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and
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I hear people talking,
I feel words go by,
Nothing makes a difference,
It all just falls away.

I am the shadow that observes you,
I am the one who whispers but is not heard,
I am the one who is confused yet is not helped,
I am the one....
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the second one doesn't have a title yet...I may add more stanzas, not sure

R&R, critique, whatever would you please?

here are a few more that I've done lately
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Our Friendship (its about my best friend..although I'd probably never show her this)

I've dwelt on the past,
I 've dwelt on the present,
I know I need to let go
of things all over.

I may have missed chances,
discovered only in hindsight.
Times felt unfinished,
guilt and blame unpunished.

Our lives are yet not over,
chances in the future, ours for the taking.
I know this now and like always,
the past catches me again, it starts all over.

As this endless struggle goes on,
I see a light.
For you, our friendship, and future,
time to finish this fight.
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note: I don't like the last line of the first stanza...just don't know how to fix it >_<
next...
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Untitled

Endless chaos, tumbling in darkness,
mixed emotions, turmoil of the heart.
A want to be loved
with a want of someone to love.
Storming of voices making thoughts cluttered.
Alone in the race of life,
with no end in sight.

I walk alone, only as a shadow,
sticking to the mind of a soldier.
No real order, only an illusion.
I live to fight but have no enemies,
out of place, out of mind.
Never again know true companionship.
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Untitled (a different one...just no title yet)

Darkness of confusion,
thrown away by light of peace.
Embankment of fear,
washed away by waters of tranquility.
Weight of despair,
lifted by springs of hope.
Life, the evermost forceful objective,
no need for solitude but for companionship.
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these last two seem to contradict each other...dunno
I wrote the first of the untitled's before a chapel service and one after so that may have something to do with it. I'm not sure where I was going with the second...seems really awkward.

R&R plz if you will.

eh, it seems no one likes what i write so I'll post this one and if no one responds then I'll just stop, oh well
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A Heart So Frail...

A heart so frail,
clear as glass,
handled with care,
evolved by love.

A heart so frail,
pure as snow,
guarded by thoughts,
protected against desires.

A heart so frail,
gift from lover,
melded by time,
shaped by events.

A heart so frail,
treasure to cherish,
a trust given,
from me to you.
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read, respond, critique, opinions?...etc.

Not bad at all. Although a lot of them seem unfinished, like they're missing something to them. But that's just my opinion. Keep writing and posting, I would love to hear more. :D


:choc:

hmm, thats the first time I've gotten that "unfinished"...

how so? I did try to finish them, never really have been good at ending things though? Like which parts do you think should go on? Well then, I should then finish these up somehow before I move on.

Thanks Rin for the response ;)!

Well they all really seemed unfinished. They seem to short for their meaning, like they have so much more to say but are too short for their meaning to get through.
But it's still just my opinion.

:choc:

Yeah, keep on writing. I'd love to hear more. Well, I don't think that they're unfinished because it's good to leave some spots for the reader to discover. Anyway, nice work. :love:

Originally posted by Ranti84
I hear people talking,
I feel words go by,
Nothing makes a difference,
It all just falls away.

I am the shadow that observes you,
I am the one who whispers but is not heard,
I am the one who is confused yet is not helped,
I am the one....


I loved your lineFEEL words go by, it gives a real sense to the poem. The next two lines i wasn't too fond of though. As a reader I felt built up by the first two lines, then as if you had got up and went to the bathroom, then wrote the next two lines I was let go of.

I am the one that whispers but is not heard Excellent line, really conveys a mood to the poem, but confused yet is not helped could be changed IMHO (ie

I am the shadow that observes you,
I am the one who whispers but is not heard,

then something like

Shrowded in darkness, I cannot be helped
or
Too perplexed to be aided
or
Too lost to find relief

These all say the same thing awhat you wrote, but get rid of 4 I am's in a row.

Very good though, Throughly enjoyed these

^_^ wow, thanks for the suggestions! I'll have to go back over them then...how come you guys didn't post earlier? j/k ;)

I like reading the poem entitled "A Heart So Frail...". I can relate it. :D

Ranti,

Yesterday was my first time in the arts and writing section...I never noticed we had one LoL