Thanks for reading and all the responses. I agree with cutting the word narrow from that bit on the branches, nik. And that's quite high praise, haha, thanks.
Over the section with the dirge, the dirge belongs to the 'chorus of aged dreamers' mentioned right at the end, not the young lovers, so maybe there was a bit of confusion, I guess. In the first stanza I was layering up sounds which were unrelated to each other, but I suppose at that point it is perhaps not crystal clear.
Also got rid of a few semi-colons. I tend to overuse them, sometimes without realising.
Thanks for the time, kind words, and suggestions, though.