[Kirobaito]

Obviously, you're 15, so I don't know what gibberish your teacher is giving you, but in professionally done essays, don't refer to yourself in the first person.

Also, try to avoid using the word 'but'.

Your introduction should be one paragraph, not four.

Don't say 'queen Elizabeth', say 'Elizabeth I'.

Cite your quote there "silent, crestfallen, and lethargic").

I'll come back to the rest later... I have to go now, but I see quite a few changes that need to be made for a proper history essay. I may sound harsh, but I probably didn't write any better when I was fifteen.